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Jokes

Pedestrian

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

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Jokes

Valentine’s Day

My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine’s Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”

I replied, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

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Jokes

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a bar.

After ordering a drink, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Jokes

Grill

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”

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Jokes

Old Couple

Husband leans over to his wife…”Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

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Jokes

Donate Blood

Man: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

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Jokes

Back Alley

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy.

After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says “What the hell are you doing?” and I said “Having sex with my wife.” He said “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was your wife.” and I said “Neither did I till you shined a light on her.”

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Grief Counselor

My grief counselor died today.

Thankfully, he was so good that I don’t give a shit.

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Girlfriend

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes.

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Jokes

Bad timing

What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.