My wife asked me to bring home some of those pills to help give me an erection. I brought her some diet pills.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Guy goes to the drugstore to buy a pack of rubbers. After paying for them, the cashier asks if he wants a bag.
The man says “Jeez that’s rude! These not that ugly!”
“Mom, I’m dating someone new.”
“Mike the mailman.”
“Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!”
“But mom, age is just a number.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understand….”
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.
What is the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an Indian.
A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop…
“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”
“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”
The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who quack at him.
“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”
The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.
The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.
The officer gapes and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”
“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again.