A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before.” “What can I get for you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
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Category: Jokes
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”
The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.” The bartender asks him, “It didn’t work, huh?” The guy says, “N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice.”
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”
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Giving Birth
A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, “it’s a handsome baby boy!”
He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.
The horrified mother screams, “my baby! You’re killing my baby!”
To which the doctor replies, “I’m just fucking with you. It was already dead.”
My doctor said I can play with myself anytime I want!
My wife tells me that’s not what “you could have a stroke at any moment” means.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
A family portrait!
Do you know why melons need to have large weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
A witch was riding her broom when she noticed all the other witches were riding vacuum cleaners.
She thought to herself “does anyone know how to drive a stick anymore?”
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Which Viewpoint?
Optimist: the glass is 1/2 full
Pessimist: the glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: 2-Jan