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Jokes

Santa

Why doesn’t Santa have any children?

He only comes down the chimney!

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Jokes

Snowman

Why did the snowman drop his pants?

He heard a snowblower coming!

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Jokes

Little Blue Pill

My wife asked me to bring home some of those pills to help give me an erection. I brought her some diet pills.

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Jokes

Dating the mailman

“Mom, I’m dating someone new.”

“Whom, sweetheart?”

“Mike the mailman.”

“Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!”

“But mom, age is just a number.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understand….”​

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Jokes

Gene manipulation

What do you get when you mix Goat DNA and Human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

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Jokes

Funny Smell

Don’t you hate it when you’re driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough, grandma is fingering herself again.

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Girlfriend

My girlfriend said having a four inch penis is OK.

I still wish she didn’t have one.

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Jokes

Yogurt

“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”

“I’m sure it’s not semen,” she said, “It’s probably yogurt.”

“It’s definitely semen,” I said, “I don’t ejaculate yogurt.”

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Jokes

Blind Prostitute

I picked up this partially blind prostitute a few nights ago. She told me I was the biggest she’s had. I told her you’re pulling my leg.

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Jokes

Flowers

​A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes “What’s that for?”
His wife replies “For the flowers of course”
He thinks for a moment and asks “Don’t we have a vase?”