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Jokes

The Bridge

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A man walks up to her.  She sees the man coming and says, “Go away! There’s nothing you can say to change my mind!”

He says, “Well, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, why don’t we have sex? At least I’ll enjoy it.”

“Absolutely not! You’re disgusting!”, she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

“Is that all you’re going to say? You’re not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?”

“I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you’ll still be warm!”, he says.

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Twin Bed

As a kid,i used to lay in my twin bed wondering where my brother was.

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Cheese Grater

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as the most violent book she ever read!

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Stop Sign

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.  ‚ÄčThe officer asks the lawyer “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” said the lawyer.

The officer replied, “You didn’t make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down.”

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, “If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I’ll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?”

The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. “Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?”

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, “Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?”

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Secret Service

Did you hear the secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked ?

They have to tell “Donald Duck!”

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Criticism

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, “I can’t stand the critism anymore.”
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.  As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, “That’s not how you spell criticism.”