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Jokes

Santa-palegic

​What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands?

Canta Plaus

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Jokes

Funeral Home

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral.  She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. 

He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?” 

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. 

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. 

“Actually” he said, “it didn’t cost anything.

The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads”

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Jokes

Yo mamma so fat

​Yo mamma so fat… I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

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Jokes

A gorilla walks into a bar…

​A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.” So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can’t believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. 

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he’s standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, “Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything.” 
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn’t say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can’t take it anymore. 
“You know,” he says to the gorilla, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” 
And the gorilla says, “At nineteen dollars a drink I’m not surprised.”

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Jokes

Flowers

​A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes “What’s that for?”
His wife replies “For the flowers of course”
He thinks for a moment and asks “Don’t we have a vase?”

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music

A Perfect Circle – Judith

So bad ass

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music

Shigeru Miyamoto and The Roots Perform “Super Mario Bros. Theme” – YouTube

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Food

The Food Lab: How to Roast the Best Potatoes of Your Life

I need to have these inside me.

Categories
music

Eric Cartman – Swiss Colony Beef Log

A true Christmas classic!